fix you.

everybody ask me the same question. why are you still holding on?

maybe because i see something that you people dont see. the guy i fell in love with. the guy i know he can be. the guy i know who is better then what he think he is. my guy. actually, who am i kidding? because im plain stupid. i never thought i'd be stupid for a guy. but there you go, i turn out to be someone i warned myself not to be.

i cant explain what hurts more, you acting this way, you betraying my trust, or you putting all the blame on me.
i guess i do blame me too. if i could go back in time, id probably did my best to show you how much you meant to me, the way you wanted me to. but i was just too afraid to show anything, because im afraid of getting hurt. and in the end, i am hurt. so i blame me too.

this relantionship has turned out to be everything we both tried not to be. wassit because i hold back too much? wassit because you held me too tight? im not sure. this relantionship is broken, pieces shattered everywhere. and im picking up the pieces, but why does it feel like your just watching as it breaks even more? when will i learn that once is broken, it will never be the same again.

my past is my past. i cant change it. i cant change the fact that i used to love someone or care for that person. i cant change the fact that i had my first kiss with someone else, or first other experiences with someone else. and the burden you felt is weighing heavy on me. im sorry you werent convince and made you think otherwise and made you hurt yourself even more by all the thoughts, images playing in your head. im sorry i brought back my past. i didnt. i didnt brought back my past. you think i did. but i wasnt trying to. but i know, you dont understand, and you dont care.

how could you do the things you do? maybe because your afraid i'd do the same. maybe because you think i already did something. maybe is just plain sweet revenge. but baby,please know id never in my right mind do that to you. never. even right now. when i need time. i dont want to be on the phone with someone else. no, i dont want to go out with someone else, id never go that far, and we both know it.

after all we've been through, i never thought it will come to this. but i believed that things happened for a reason. i told myself, i can trust you again, that you wont hurt me again, that we can make it through this rough times. deep inside me, id never forgive you for involving someone else in this relantionship.but deeper inside me, i know that nothing can come between us.

but maybe i was wrong.

because we are both weak. but your weaker then me, when we broke up, i was trying to stay in my elements. doing things the same, just without you. said i'll let the next guy in, but truth is im still the same old me. pushing people away. but what you've done, still going out with that friend of yours, after iv confronted her, after the msg i forward you, thats just cruel. going out to club, drinking. thats just hurtful. doesnt mean im not with you, you can do such things to me or yourself. because if you still love me as much as you said, you would stop and think of me. just like how i stop and think of you when aymarn wants to see me, or when aswad wants to go out with me or when i have that chance to do something crazy.

im confused. im lost. im hurt, over and over again. and im not expecting anything from you. because i really understand that your hurt by me too. i have alot of things to be sorry about. but it doesnt solve anything. i guess you have things you wanna be sorry about too, but it doesnt solve my feelings either.

some days, i just wanna run back into your arms and forget everything, hug you closely and kiss you and be all that you want me to be, but most days, i keep remembering words you said to me and it hurts down to my soul. i remember, every single word.

when we got back together, as much as i need time, i tried not to waste any more time and make more memories with you. i was ready, to fight and scream at you, to be sarcastic to you, to laugh at each others mistake, to hold each other hands and cry, to tell you how much i dont want to loose you. but it didnt happen that way, i cant move on from this. we both cant move on from this because theres just too much damage to this relantionship.

i hope that im strong enough to know how to let this go, because instead of following my senses, im going againts it. im running out of words to say, i'll let them be bottled inside. im praying to god, to show me the right way. theres no one that can save me now, even you cant save me. im praying that he take this pain away from me, and from you too. that he will always be with you and watch over you. even if you always tell me, you dont believe in this. i hope you know, god believes in you. and i believed in you. but i cant anymore. i need to learn how to believe in me first. and to love myself first.

-you broke all your promises.